Winter Agony

It has been 2 years... Since I broke up with him, I wonder what he's doing right now. December 20, A month for giving gifts and making happy memories. But look where I am... Alone in the park, riding a swing and watching as the snow slowly falls down. I rested my head on the chains, looking at the sky, and I felt someone was walking towards me. Well I hope it's him, the man I've long for to see. And he stopped behind me, I wonder if it's really him. I don't want to look around, I don't want to expect someone, so I stayed in my position and still looked at the sky, and I heard someone talked “Miss? Are you okay? It's cold out here...” It's a man's voice. When I turn around, I saw him, a tall guy he has black messy hair, wearing a black winter jacket, orange scarf, his hands inside his pockets,. I stared at him and he asked me one more time “Are you okay?” As I got back into my senses I replied to him “yes. I'm okay.” He didn't move instead he went beside the other swing “Mind if I sit here?” He doesn't seem to be scary but - “no. I don't own the park, you can sit freely everywhere” He smiled and sat down.

It feels like I'm still alone in this park, eventhough this guy was sitting beside me. I pretty much don't care anyway, I just wanted to see the sky, and maybe get a little emotional. I felt that somehow he looked at me, but I didn't react. Honestly it's quite bit annoying, that he just appeared and started staring at people, well particularly me. Then he started to ask me “What are you doing here? It's dangerous for girls to stay out here at night. You might never know, there maybe bad guys somewhere.” Oh now I see, he's the kind of people who acts superhero “I'm here to look at the sky. And don't worry, I don't think there will be someone who will take advantage of me.” He was quiet for a while and he replied “I'm sorry for asking you this. But, I want to know what you're thinking.” I immediately looked at him. Who the hell does he think he is?! But I have to calm down, he doesn't seem to have any ill intention. “Why do you want to know what I think?” I stared at him, and he looked straight into my eyes and he said with a worried look “Because... You're crying...”

I was shocked with what he said. I touched my cheek and I noticed... I really am crying! “W-Why am I crying?” I just blurted it out, but the tears just won't stop coming out of my eyes. I keep on wiping and wiping it. But it continues to flow. “I-I'm sorry, I didn't know... I was... Crying” I said to him. He stared at me, and I saw him pulling out something from his pocket “Here... It seems you don't have one... You can use mine.” It was his handkerchief. He's offering it to me. I was hesitating, but he gently grabbed my hand and placed the handkerchief in my palm “It's okay... Use it... You really need it right now...” He let go of my hand and I replied “T-thank you...” He gently smiled at me as he started to say his name “Oh, I'm sorry I forgot to introduce myself...

My name is Phillip Ashford... Phillip is fine” His name registered into my mind, It's quite a nice name “My name is Eleanor Sylwester... You can call me Elie for short.” Again he smiled to me like I wasn't crying at all “Nice to meet you Elie. You know, you really have a cute name.” I wonder if he's making me feel good, or he wants me to be annoyed “Are you teasing me?” I suddenly blurted it out accidentally. “Oh.. no, no.. I'm sorry have I offended you? Okay I won't say anymore about your name.” I'm still holding his handkerchief and keep wiping my tears. “It... Won't stop...” I said. I really don't know if I was talking to him, or I was talking to myself, but he replied “It won't stop because you don't want to let it out.” he stared at the sky “Maybe those tears, reminded you that... It will not stop unless you let it out” I don't know if it's true, but it seems that he's right. These tears, just keep flowing, like a faucet was turned on inside my eyes “I really want to hear your story, I want to know what happened. Would you mind telling it to me Elie?” I looked at him, his eyes were very serious, but I also sense his concern for me... I looked down and stared at my feet “I am alone, because the person I love is not with me anymore.” I waited for him to react but he didn't, so I continued “It's been 2 years, since me and my boyfriend broke up.” Oh not again. The past is coming back in my mind again. I don't want to remember it but - ' It will not stop unless you let it out' maybe it's time I let it out about my story that shows that real love hurts..

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2 years ago

Francis Hamilton and I was sitting on the bench in the park. We both had this, sad looks. Especially Fran. We were seriously talking in the park, while watching the kids play. “I really envy the kids.” I said “They don't much care about the world. All they do is play and have fun. I wonder why the adults don't do that anymore...?” I stared at the kids, while they were so happy chasing one another. I looked at Fran and I heard him “Is it really necessary?” I looked down “Maybe... I really don't know, but haven't you noticed...? We were always arguing, and we do not understand each other anymore. It's not the same as before...” He sighed and talked “Is it my fault? That it has come down to this? What do I do?” He looked at me, it was as if he wants to cry “What do you want me to do? I have done everything you wanted me to do... What else do you want me to do? I'm willing to do anything...” I held his hand. He was shaking “No, you have done your part. It's just that it's lacking something. I don't know what it is, but I guess it's not enough.” I stared at him, and I saw pain in his eyes, he shifted his look towards the kids “Yeah... I guess you're right... I'm sorry about what I said a while ago... I have been... selfish.” What is this feeling? I was the one who wanted this, but it seems my heart has been pricked by needles. It hurts, he just accept it like that? “Y-you mean, you're... Agreeing with my... decision...?” It was quiet for a while, and then suddenly I saw a tear fell from his eye “Yes... I'm respecting your decision, this might not be forever. Since it's just for l while... right?” I nodded, my heart races. It's the first time I've seen him cry “it will be okay soon...” So for the last time, I hugged him, and I felt his embrace was so tight that I almost cannot breathe. But I let him hug me, because I will not be feeling these warm arms for a while.

After 5 months. It seems I have recovered from that break up... I guess... I went out with my friends for a while. And do what I really wanted to do. Just being myself. A year after our break up, I was in a relationship. He was a really nice guy. We were shopping in the mall, and walking happily... When a familiar face was in front of us... “Fran...” I was clinging in my boyfriend's arms when Fran saw us. His eyes... Those eyes full of pain, I can still see it. Does it mean that he still didn't let go? Fran spoke “H-hi there... How have you been...?” I don't know what to say, but he approached me and my boyfriend. He stretched out his hand to my boyfriend. He smiled and he said “Nice to meet you, I'm Francis Hamilton...” he looked at me and looked at my boyfriend “I'm one of his friend.” My Boyfriend answered briefly “Oh nice to meet you.. My name is Leo.” I stared at him, while he was talking to Leo, his eyes full of pain, his eyes were wet. Am I the only one who moved? 'this might not be forever. Since it's just for a while... right?' So he's seriously waiting for me? I was so lost in my thought when Fran was waving his hand in front of my face “Heeeeeyy... Are you okay? I said I will be going now.” He smiled at me “I'm glad you're happy now.” Wait... those eyes... He understands me, he's trying to understand me. I weakly replied “Yes... You... t-take care...” I felt his hand tapped my head, then walked past us. What the heck did that mean? W-why is he smiling? That means he's trying to understand my situation. I looked back. Francis...

Just recently, maybe 5 months ago. I broke up with Leo... For some reason, I cannot forget Francis. Maybe I still love Fran. Maybe he's still waiting for me. Maybe I should see him again, and work things out for us. And then we'll be happy together again, just like before. December 20. I went out the house, hoping to see him so maybe I should stay in the park.




“Eh... So that's what happened...” I nodded and looked up “This is the place where Fran and I broke up. So I'm waiting for him to show up and settle things with him.” I felt that he smiled so I looked at him, and I was right, he was smiling “What is it?” He tapped my head “I'm happy, because you are not crying anymore.” I touched my cheek and noticed that it was really gone “Y-yeah... you're right...” He chuckled lightly “I told you if you let it out, you'll feel better. Correct me if I'm mistaken.” I waited for him to continue “You were crying because you miss him, and hoping that It will be fine again... And hoping that he will accept your love once again...” I nodded, it's true, that I'm a little at fault. Now I'm wondering why I broke up with him, if he's the person I really love. I noticed that he stood up I looked at him “What's wrong? Are you leaving?” he smiled at me and said “I'll be back, maybe this is your time.” I was confused with what he said “My time? For what?” He pointed out his fingers to the man that was walking “There, maybe that's the person you're waiting for. I don't really know what he looks like. But maybe he's the one, because he's cute.” Cute!? I looked at him suspiciously “hey.. Are you gay?!” he laughed a little “Silly, of course not... It's him right?” I stared at the person who was walking. And what do you know the mysterious guy was right! It is Fran! Phillip walk out “I'll be back in a while, you have a talk with him okay?” As Phillip was walking by, he tapped Fran and Phillip pointed at me. He was a bit shocked to find me there, and Phillip waved his hands and walk far from us.

Fran was walking towards me. Oh my God, my heart was beating so much. “F-fran...” He smiled “Good Evening Elie. Mind if we sit on the swing?” I panicked a little “Oh! N-no no! Let's sit down!” we both sat down. And it was quiet for a while, I slowly looked at him, and noticed that his eyes changed. It's a bit more... Relaxed, unlike before it was full of pain... But now... It's gone... “So...? what do you want to talk about? That guy said that you have to say something to me?” I have never been so nervous in my life. “W-well... umm... I know it's been 2 years that we are apart... I was... wondering if... umm... We can... start again...?” I am screaming inside! I can't believe I said that! But it made me so happy that I can finally say what I really wanted to say... I am waiting for his reply, and when I looked at him. He was staring at me... My heart is beating too fast... I'm so nervous... “Elie...” this is it! “Y-yes...?” I closed my eyes and waited for his reply, but I felt my cheek became warm. When I opened my eyes, I saw Fran Holding my cheeks with both of his hands while kneeling like a knight. He smiled gently at me as he say “Elie... I'm sorry...” What?! Did I hear it right?! I'll ask it again “W-what did you say Fran?” He immediately replied “I'm sorry... I can't be with you again...” My tears are swelling up again “W-why? You were... waiting for me right? That time at the mall... I saw your eyes...”

“Yes... I was waiting for you, but I realized that it was just only me who's waiting...”
“N-no wait... You got it all wrong! We are not together anymore because I realize that what I really needed was you.”
“Elie... It's not your fault that I felt this way now... I closed may heart to anyone else, that's why I have a hard time forgetting about you. While you were open... You let your life flow...”
“F-Fran... No... Please, I still love you so much...”
“Elie I do too...”

“Then why can't we get back again, like we used to before?!”
“Because Past is different from the present and the future... We cannot dictate what will happen tomorrow or the day after tomorrow, or the years from now...”
“But the past can be repeated! Right?! We can repeat it right?!”

“A scar has been left behind Elie. A big wound has been healed and is now a big scar.”
“It's my fault right?! If I didn't broke up with you! Maybe we're still together!”
“No one knows what will happen right? And I told you before... It's not your fault... I love you Elie, but not like before... We have hurt each other from the past, I've hurt you... You've hurt me... And getting back will not be a good idea anymore...”

“I don't understand! We just have to love each other. Even if it's not like before...!”
“Elie... It might be different... A friend of mine once told me 'When a glass is broken. If you put it together, it will never be the same glass again.' … True enough, right?”
“But we can replace it with a new glass right?!”
I was crying so hard, the tears are continuing to fall down my face, but he was still smiling and pinched my cheek a little. “Still stubborn as before... Yes... You're right, the glass can be replaced... But it is not the same glass as before... It changes... Like us...” I can't help it! It's like I was pierced with a thousand needles.. It hurts.. “D-do you have someone... You like...?”

“It doesn't matter Elie...”
“Yes it does! Because of her, you are now leaving me!”
“Elie listen to me...” He was now seriously looking into my eyes “Do you love me?” What kind of question is that!? “Y-yes!”

“Then let me be happy with what I wanted... I want you to understand me Elie... If you want me to be happy... Let go... That's only time that I will be happy...”
“But how about me!? I won't be happy! You're only benefiting from this!”
“Of course not... Do you know why you are hurting this much?”
“Because you don't want me anymore...!”
“No... It's because, you're locking up away you're heart to the world...”
I was a bit confused with his statement... He said I'm locking myself What does he mean by that... “After you broke up with Leo... You began to close your heart... Just like what I did last year... You opened your heart, so you eventually moved... But me... I closed it... So do you know what happened?”

“You became miserable...?”
“That's right... I was crying every night because I have been thinking of you... Until I became aware of everything. That all I really have to do is open my heart...”
“So that's why you can now move...”
“That's right... Elie I want you to be happy... I want you to open your heart, do not close it... And I want you to be happy for me too...” So this is it... My love life of Fran is totally over... I am so hurt! Why is this happening? Why did I broke up with him? And now... He moves one, and he wants me to open my heart... He has done it... “Hey...” I am staring at Fran, still his hands are still on my cheek “Do you like someone right now...?” He was smiling...


“I don't know... But maybe I do have a crush on someone...” Now this time... it really hurts... “F-Francis... Is there-” I was cut when he placed his forefinger on my lips “Elie... This is fate... This is bound to happen... Let us flow with our lives and have fun... Open our hearts.. Do not close it... Stop blocking it...” Francis really knows how to talk about this right now... I never cried so much... But I nodded and I cried again when he replied... “Thank you...” And stood up and kissed my forehead, he whispered... “Goodbye Elie... Have a happy life...” As he walk away from the swing... I was so weak that I was kneeling on the cold cement full of snow I cried so hard, I cried and cried and cried... I just have to let out this tears... I want to cry, I don't care if anyone sees me. I just want to cry. And as the snow continues to fall... A warm hand was placed on my shoulder. I looked around and saw Phillip behind me, looking with his concerned eyes. “He... said...” I was cut off when he suddenly hugged me and patting my back “It's okay, just cry as much as you want... I'll be here...” With his words I cried so hard, and no more tears are coming out of my eyes. He stayed with me, hugging me until I finished crying.
I am now calm, he was still hugging me and I placed my head on his shoulder “Was it... my fault...?”
“No... It's no one's fault...” I'm not convinced with what he said “We love each other but why can't we get back together...?”
“He cannot find his happiness to you... anymore...” I opened my eyes and pushed her lightly so I can see his face “What do you mean.?”
“He still love you... But he will not be happy anymore...”
“You're confusing me...”
“Just imagine a dog... You love your dog... But sometimes you are not happy with just playing with it...” He slowly pulled me up so I can sit on the swing... and same as he. And I began to get curious... “You're very mysterious... You stayed here... Why?”

“Because I'm worried. You know... I'm one of your neighbors...”
“Eh!!? You are?” I was shocked, because this is clearly the first time I saw him... “Yes.. I've seen him before too, when you and he are still together... Until the past few months, you seem to be always in pain... And because you closed your heart, you haven't notice the people in your surroundings... So I hope next time, you greet me okay?” He gently smiled at me. I was a bit tired from crying but I said “Thank you for accompanying me here... I never expected that this was bound to happen...” He replied to me in a friendly way “No worries... I'm glad I could accompany you... I hope you'll get well... And be back to who you are...” I smiled at him “Thank you... I'm sure I will, but it might take some time... But I will open my heart, just like he said... And I won't block anybody anymore...” Fran... I might love someone again someday... But you will always be the first one... I hope you find your love and happiness.

“Elie... Let's go...” And I nodded as we walk home together. The snow is beautiful, but this will be the most Painful Christmas snow in my life... I'll find happiness too, just like you... Fran... Goodbye...



*selphie*